AstroGlide now available in quart bottles

A while ago at Ace's joint there was some serious discussion about ummm...shall we say "unconventional" terrorist interrogation techniques and the various products one might use in ummm..."implementing" them.

All manner of very interesting (and undoubtedly very effective) devices were posited by commenters, but one of the critical components seemed to be a hypothetical product that came to be known (quite affectionately) as "AstroGlide". AstroGlide was an ummm...way to assist in the ummm..."placement" of unpleasant items and various critters of foul temperments within certain ummm "unmentionable" body cavities of the terrorists in question.

AstroGlide had assumed, justifiably so, a place of quasi-mythic proportion within the Ace-O-Sphere (which often produces a vocabulary and vernacular which is all but a mystery to outsiders).

Recently it has come to my attention that there is in fact a real product out in the market place that meets all the specifications required of AstroGlide. That product is ClearGlide wire pulling lube sold by Ideal (a purveyor of fine quality electrical tools and shit like that who's stuff I use and recommend all the time). In fact I have in front of me at this very moment a quart bottle of this ClearGlide product.

• 1 quart squeeze bottle


• Clear and colorless for quick and easy clean-up


• Exceptional lubricity for super-fast pulls


• Polymer-based formula perfect for all electrical and datacom applications


• Safe to use with all cable types


• Remains safe over wide temperature range: usable from 30°F to 180°F (-1°C to 82°C)


• Dries to a semi-fluid film that won't clog conduit


• Clings to cable throughout long pulls


• Easy to apply by hand, brush, or pump


• Environmentally safe: non-toxic, non-flammable, and non-corrosive

As you can see from the pic, and I will attest to, the product is indeed clear and colorless -- this is a crucial trait. AstroGlide users do NOT want to leave unsightly stains on the victim detainees cloths or body as evidence that an unconventional interrogation session has been administered.

I will also attest to this stuff "lubricity". I put a bit on my thumb and forefinger and rubbed them together. As the saying goes -- this shit is "slicker than snot on a doorknob". The "quick pulls" claim may be of some value to hookers looking to move on to the next john, but this seems of lesser interest for interrogations.

Polymer-based. I have no idea what that means, but it certainly sounds like SCIENCE, so its gotta be good shit. We need more polymers for sure. The temperature ranges are impressive for an expedient Home Depot tool. Not quite up to the point where its going to help with say...ummm...the insertion of red hot pokers, but it is pretty close to the boiling point of water, so you can use "pretty hot" stuff with it. We'd be needing an expensive silicone based grease and tubing to do creative things with molten solder and lead. These are of course available, but at pretty high prices. Hobby shops carry silicone fuel lines for model airplanes. That stuff is capable of handling molten solder and lead. I won't admit say I've tried it, but trust me I know it works.


Note that this stuff can be "pumped". We all know certain judges who would be keenly interested in this aspect. For entertaining terrorist "guests" this pump quality is also critical. Suppose you need to handle say a 30lb woodchuck? That's going to require a lot of lube. You're going to have to pre-lube and that means you're gonna need a pump because nobody is going to pre-lube their "guest" manually (unless their name is perhaps Andrew Sullivan, but he freaks out over this sort of entertainment for terrorists).

Enviro-safe is also a critical quality. We want to be "green" about this whole thing right? Safe for kids, nothing toxic, good housekeeping seal of approval, Sierra Club endorsed, and all that sort of thing right? Sure we do. After all, we're not some sort of profligate wildly polluting Soviets -- we are cultured and politically correct. Right? Right? Sure, of course we are.

So go out and stock up on Clear/AstroGlide and get ready for the coming trials and tribulations of World War 3. You know you and your pet porcupines will be ready to "entertain" even the most hardened jihadi in delicious ways they've never experienced or could imagine.

Hospitality, its what Americans do best. which leads me to mention another facinating entertainment product for your jihadi "guests". Check this one out -- 650 watts of pure heating pleasure for when those 72 virgins aren't quite ready yet. If this baby don't gett'em talking, nothing will.